May. 1st, 2014

melaniesuzanne: (Mucha: The Seasons Spring)
Ten years and nearly five hours ago, I married a man I thought was the great love of my life. And it is true that we were in love, for a time, anyway. Enough that I thought we could weather what life threw at us. As time passed, however, we grew at much different rates and our differences became greater than our similarities. Our respective values became harder and harder to reconcile. It took several more years for me to realize that I couldn't live with that spouse for another thirty years. My innermost me was all but snuffed out and, with my being so practiced at willful ignorance/obliviousness/stubbornness, I wouldn't let myself acknowledge that fact until a year ago.

Ten days ago, a judge in Fairfax County, Virginia, signed my petition for divorce. I didn't find out for sure until last Friday when my lawyer's paralegal emailed with confirmation from the clerk. The vicious part of me really wanted for the divorce to be signed and entered on 1 May 2014 for symmetry's sake. And while numbers are silly constructs, that vicious side is satisfied with "ten days before the tenth anniversary." The gentle side, though, found an unexpected landmine in the wee small hours of the morning and I had a little cry. I poked at my feelings, trying to figure out what was going on. I don't think I was mourning or regretting... Maybe it was merely the last of the milestones.

I am happy that the tumult of this particular life experience is behind me. I am happy that it wasn't excessively bitter or ugly. I am happy that my innermost me survived to not only fight another day but to thrive. I am happy to have had the love and kindness of friends and my family to help steady me along the way. I am happy to have the love and friendship of someone whose path crossed mine at the end of last year and who I hope will be able to keep pace with me for a while yet. And now that I no longer feel like I have to keep secrets, I am really and truly happy.

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melaniesuzanne: (Default)
Mary F'ing Sunshine

August 2015

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