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melaniesuzanneI've been seeing a counselor to help me Figure out who I am and learn how to recognize and work around a lifetime of faulty coping mechanisms, etc. Today we bounced ALL OVER the place as I told her about the reading I'd done about relationships while at the lakehouse as well as a few anecdotes of recent conversations with friends which have shown me how I should react rather than how I have been reacting.
We'll hand wave that whole "should" thing for the time being.
It turns out that my friends have been teaching me valuable lessons along the way which I didn't notice until my counselor pointed them out.
- While talking with a friend, he was angry and hurt about something going on in his life. I panicked, flailed about, and essentially ran away from the conversation because I didn't know how to fix his problem or make him feel better (hello, co-dependent nature!). I also wound up with my own bruised feelings because I felt he didn't appreciate what I was trying to do before the panic and escape (another tick-mark in the co-dependent column). The following day, when cooler heads prevailed, he explained that he just needed me to pat him on the head and tell him that everything would be okay, I didn't need to fix anything, and I especially didn't need to panic because the issue had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. He simply needed a safe person to whom he could vent.
- As friends have found out about the divorce, a lot have asked what they can do to support me and/or how they can help. They haven't offered to fix anything or load me down with unsolicited advice. Were the roles reversed, I would most likely flail about helplessly until I figuratively ran away. I need to model my behavior upon my friends' examples.
- I tend not to talk all that much and spend most conversations asking questions of the other person. I know that people enjoy talking about themselves and I a) want to make the other person feel comfortable and b) I don't want to bore the other person. Yay, more co-dependent behavior! Which could explain why I tend to find myself attracted to people with narcissistic tendencies. I am going to an event this weekend where I will know only two attendees. I look forward to both meeting new people (well, I'm nervous as hell about that, if I'm perfectly honest) and practicing the "share/check-in/share" method of communicating that my counselor suggested. Plus, she noted that if I am interested in someone and that someone is interested in me, I don't have to be self-conscious about wanting to talk about what's in my head as much as the other person.
- The above example is also why I've always been a social chameleon. If there's a whiff of conflict or a feeling that I'm unwanted or don't belong, I remove myself from the situation and find another group with whom to interact. And I do mean always. I know I've done this since childhood, and we examined where this defense mechanism comes from -- which, because the root cause is highly personal, I will not publish in a public post. I don't know that we're going to try to "fix" this, but it's good recognize the root and figure out how to work with it, I guess?
Where do I go from here? Well, more work with the counselor to be sure. I want to be as healthy -- physically and mentally -- as I possibly can and be a better friend to both those people in my life as well as myself.
We'll hand wave that whole "should" thing for the time being.
It turns out that my friends have been teaching me valuable lessons along the way which I didn't notice until my counselor pointed them out.
- While talking with a friend, he was angry and hurt about something going on in his life. I panicked, flailed about, and essentially ran away from the conversation because I didn't know how to fix his problem or make him feel better (hello, co-dependent nature!). I also wound up with my own bruised feelings because I felt he didn't appreciate what I was trying to do before the panic and escape (another tick-mark in the co-dependent column). The following day, when cooler heads prevailed, he explained that he just needed me to pat him on the head and tell him that everything would be okay, I didn't need to fix anything, and I especially didn't need to panic because the issue had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. He simply needed a safe person to whom he could vent.
- As friends have found out about the divorce, a lot have asked what they can do to support me and/or how they can help. They haven't offered to fix anything or load me down with unsolicited advice. Were the roles reversed, I would most likely flail about helplessly until I figuratively ran away. I need to model my behavior upon my friends' examples.
- I tend not to talk all that much and spend most conversations asking questions of the other person. I know that people enjoy talking about themselves and I a) want to make the other person feel comfortable and b) I don't want to bore the other person. Yay, more co-dependent behavior! Which could explain why I tend to find myself attracted to people with narcissistic tendencies. I am going to an event this weekend where I will know only two attendees. I look forward to both meeting new people (well, I'm nervous as hell about that, if I'm perfectly honest) and practicing the "share/check-in/share" method of communicating that my counselor suggested. Plus, she noted that if I am interested in someone and that someone is interested in me, I don't have to be self-conscious about wanting to talk about what's in my head as much as the other person.
- The above example is also why I've always been a social chameleon. If there's a whiff of conflict or a feeling that I'm unwanted or don't belong, I remove myself from the situation and find another group with whom to interact. And I do mean always. I know I've done this since childhood, and we examined where this defense mechanism comes from -- which, because the root cause is highly personal, I will not publish in a public post. I don't know that we're going to try to "fix" this, but it's good recognize the root and figure out how to work with it, I guess?
Where do I go from here? Well, more work with the counselor to be sure. I want to be as healthy -- physically and mentally -- as I possibly can and be a better friend to both those people in my life as well as myself.
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no subject
Date: 2013-09-05 04:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-05 06:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-05 07:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-06 01:31 am (UTC)It is still painful to think about ...Hmm maybe I need the name of your counseller
no subject
Date: 2013-09-06 02:17 am (UTC)I know sorting all of this out is WORK - you're wise to keep going as constructively as possible, however.
It might feel like progress some days, and less so others, but overall, I'm sure you're doing yourself a good thing by trying to solve issues (which everyone has to some degree or other.)
Take care...