melaniesuzanne | It wasn't a good morning

I woke up this morning feeling stupid and very slow. Somehow I bounced out of bed at 6:50 and was ready to go in those ten minutes. But then I went downstairs and everything shifted into slow motion. It took me another ten minutes just to get into coat. The hood came unzipped and it took me way too long to figure out how to get the hood back on (which is something I've done several times this winter, so it's not like it's a complicated exercise). I managed to collect everything else and get into the Jeep at 7:15. Thank goodness I'd turned the Jeep around yesterday so I wouldn't have to back up onto ice. I wouldn't have been able to handle that small driving difficulty. I spent my commute grumpily counting the number of jackholes who didn't clean the snow and ice sheets off the tops of their cars.

I was in a pretty foul mood, and slightly less stupid but still pretty slow, by the time I got to the campus. Dropped stuff off at my cube and then slunk off to the gym where I proceeded to punish my body for disappointing me. Okay. So, I've been doing cardio four days a week and strength training three days a week for the past month. I've also been drinking at least two liters of water a day and turned my eating habits upside down. For that past month's hard work, I've been rewarded with a loss of two pounds which occurred after my first week of working out. Great. Okay, so my muffin top over today's jeans is more like a grocery store muffin and less like something from Cinnebon, but come on! So, I was pretty angry with my body and punished myself on the elliptical and the upper body machines. I wanted to weep in the shower because I felt so defeated.

Yeah, I know it's been only a month but the last time I made big improvements in that whole eat-less-exercise-more thing, I dropped ten pounds in the first month. I'm so angry at myself, my body, the medical establishment, insurance companies. I want to go to one of Fair Oaks Hospital's weight loss surgery seminars and see if I can financially afford to take advantage of that tool. My GP won't discuss WLS because I just need to "eat less and exercise more". Also, I don't have any co-morbidities despite weighing 258 pounds. So, I'm apparently too healthy to even THINK about WLS, but my life insurance company says that I'm ineligible for a higher level of coverage (so that the mortgage can be paid off if I'm hit by a bus or taken out by one of those sheets of frozen snow which covers jackholes' cars) because I'm a lazy fatass who is going to drop dead at any moment because of my weight. Of course, the health insurance who says I'm too healthy for WLS also says that, despite exercising and eating right, anything from headaches to PMS is attributable to my weight.

Of course, if I did get the surgery and lose weight, I'd then have to figure out how to pay for plastic surgery to remove the extra skin. And so I'm back to being angry with myself for not taking care of my body for too many years.