Realigning expectations and results

[melaniesuzanne]

My weight loss has been fairly stagnant for the past month and has been very slow since the beginning of December. I've been trudging on with occasional frequent lapses of good judgment and discipline. I've been adding lots of snacks to combat cravings and eating way more calories in stuff I didn't really want when I should have just eaten the damn cookie cheese dip and then gotten back on path. I've also been second-guessing myself a lot. There are countless studies out there saying that the majority of people who lose weight are going to put it right back on plus more and those people would have been better off not going through a weight loss in the first place because of the wear and tear the down and up put on the body. Of course there are studies saying that if one is obese, one is going to drop dead of anything from diabetes to heart attack to snail fever* at any moment.

Last night was especially bad and I agonized and fretted and was very unkind to myself. It took me about an hour after Hubbyfink got home before I could tell him what was going on in my head. I started with my usual "I've been thinking..." which is a cue that he should either duck and cover or add another dozen items to his honey-do list.** Except this time he got to breathe a sigh of relief because I finished that phrase with "...I'm going to change my goal weight from 170 back to 200." He was supportive and asked if that's what I really wanted and why. My reasoning is that at this point of being just under thirty pounds away from 200, on the other side, natch, 170 looks about as far away as Neptune. And I'm pretty sure that I'm going to make myself absolutely miserable trying to lose that last thirty. I don't want to be miserable. I want to be happy. I like being happy. I like being cynical, too, but right now this is about happy.

Hubbyfink didn't mind what number I chose as my goal weight. It's not like I'm losing weight to please him. I mean, if I wanted to get to the size I was when we met, well, that's going in the opposite direction! But I don't want to disappoint anybody*** by not losing enough. Folks are so pround of me for my weight loss. I don't want to disappoint them if I fail at reaching that arbitrary number I set out there. I don't want to disappoint them if I fail at STAYING AT that arbitrary number. Yes, it should be me that I don't want to disappoint, but my head's not at that point. Right now I'm thrilled to be where I am. Sure, I'd like to be smaller, but I'm pretty darn happy right here.

I had a good long heart-to-heart with my consultant this morning. We looked at my chart and she commented on the stagnation and I told her everything that was going on in my head. She had no problem with changing my goal weight. No problem at all. However, she doesn't want me to focus on that number. She wants me to focus on where I am now and the numbers I'm hovering above and flirting with right now. She asked me what number will I never see again. My response was "240. It should be 230, but I'm so close to 230 right now that I can't promise I won't see it again." She said okay and that I should focus on getting to 225 and then focus on 220 and then tell her that I'll never see 230 again. She understands that I get so tied up in these relative numbers and is doing a good job of changing my perspective on them.

Also, baby steps. It's so easy to preach to everyone who has said to me "Oh, I can't do what you're doing! It's too amazing!" that yes they can if they do it one step and one day at a time. I need to follow my own advice.

So. New goal is 190 which puts my halfway point at 228. I am one point eight pounds away from halfway and Maryanne has challenged me to hit that midway goal by next week's weigh in. I'm going to do it.

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*Okay, I made that last one up. Everybody knows that snail fever has a low mortality rate. Unless you're OMGFAT.

**Turnabout is fair play: he has learned to do the exact same thing to me and I respond the same way he does. Ah, marriage.

***See: family.

Comments

[sskipstress.livejournal.com]

Snail fever is the new consumption.

[kass-rants.livejournal.com]

Tee hee hee!

[melaniesuzanne.livejournal.com]

Heh. And on some whacked-out days, I consider buying a tapeworm.

[hannnahkl.livejournal.com]

Buy, schmuy. I'm sure one'll turn up over here eventually - the mighty hunters have been on the prowl again, while I was out of the house so I couldn't prevent gnawing. :/ And let me add to the chorus of "what aelf said" - that's precisely it.